


i've fallen so far

by fauxghost



Series: Carry On Countdown (2017) [3]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2017, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Penny is the best friend Simon deserves, Pining Simon, SIMON IS SO SAD IT HURTS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 01:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12877398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauxghost/pseuds/fauxghost
Summary: Simon realizes he's in love with Baz, but he doesn't believe Baz could ever love him back.





	i've fallen so far

**Author's Note:**

> Day 6: Angst day  
> (Title from the song Fly by Nick Drake.)

**Simon**

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with Baz.

It might have been during one of the many nights he had a bad dream, and I watched him toss and turn, so broken, so vulnerable, and I realized I didn’t want him to  _ hurt. _

It might have been during class as he sat up pin straight in his chair, answering every question without hesitation, his intense eyes finding their way to me and then looking away. Always polished, always flawless. Lovely.

It might have been when the chimera attacked. I knew it was Baz’s fault in the first place, but I still shielded him when I went off. I wanted to protect him.

Or maybe it was during one of the many mornings in our room before class, skirting around each other, communicating only through glares. He always spent so much time in the bathroom, perfecting his already perfect hair, making sure he looked impeccable - as if he even had to try.

Maybe it was when I watched him play football - his hair was tied up in a bun and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. Later that day he let his hair down and it was messy and wavy and I wished he would leave it like that more often. 

It might have been the first time I heard him play the violin - he was practicing in our room when he thought I was still off somewhere with Penny. I got back early and sat outside the door, listening, marveling at how someone so harsh could create something so beautiful.

It might have been during one of the rare nights when we weren’t yelling at each other or insulting each other, when our exchanges felt more like banter, when Baz let his mask of perfection slip and he was just  _ Baz.  _ Familiar, captivating, Baz. 

It might have been when he accidently called me Simon instead of Snow, and my name on his lips sounded like music. 

Maybe I always loved him.

The day I realized it was when everything came crashing down, because I knew. I knew exactly how he felt about me. Basilton Grimm-Pitch could never love me - I’m the sun, I burn up everything that comes too close. He’s the moon, cold, distant, untouchable. I wish I had never figured it out, I wish I had never fallen in love with him at all. Sometimes I think about the first day we met and I want to ask the Crucible why. Why put us together, when I’m doomed to fall hopelessly for him, while he hates everything about me? Why put us together when we’re destined to…

I can’t think about that - I don’t allow myself to. (But I know that I will never kill him. Never.)

I tell Penny. Of course I tell Penny. 

We’re sitting on the Great Lawn on a warm day, and she knows there’s something wrong. I want to tell her the truth, I want to confide in someone, but it takes everything I have to say it.

“I love him, Penny. I’m in love with Baz.”

It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.

She pulls me into a hug, “Oh, Simon.”

I want to cry, but I don’t. If I start crying I feel like I’ll lose control of the magic that’s already threatening to burst out of me.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner,” Penny is saying. “It make so much sense.”

My head is buried in her shoulder. “It doesn’t make  _ any  _ sense!”

Her voice is gentle. “Simon, you were always obsessed with him. I thought it was hate but… there’s a fine line between love and hate, I guess.” 

“Not for Baz.” I pull away from the hug. “Baz just  _ hates.  _ He hates me.”

“Maybe-”

I cut her off, “No, don’t say it, Pen. Don't give me false hope.”

Penny has given me all sorts of looks in the past, and I can read them all. Loving looks, when I’m goofing off or laughing at something she said. Concerned looks, when I’m wounded from a battle. Exasperated looks, when I’m dragging her off to follow Baz around with me. But I’ve never seen her look at me with more pity than right now. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I sigh. “He’ll never  _ have  _ me.”

Penny takes my hand. I grip hers tightly. “I’m so sorry, Simon.”

“I just… I don’t… Why did it have to be Baz? Why couldn’t I have loved Agatha like everyone wanted, and lived happily ever after? Why did it have to be that terrible, charming, condescending, beautiful… arse! How can I love him when he hates me so much? How am I supposed to keep it together for the next year while all I want to do his hold him and all he wants to do is hurt me?”

Penny lets me rant, and cry, and she calms me down when my magic starts acting up. Eventually I have to go back to my room and face him, even though it’s the last thing I want to do. I have to do it, I have to carry on.

 

Now that I realized how I feel about him, my heart isn’t in it when we fight. When he’s slinging ruthless insults my way, I get flustered even more easily than I used to. Sometimes I shut down and wait till Baz gives up or gets bored. Sometimes I have to leave before I go off - I don’t want to hurt him. I know Baz hates me, but it becomes even more obvious whenever we fight. I’m weak, I can’t bear it. I used to become defiant whenever he was harsh towards me, I would push back just as hard. Now I just let everything he says tear into me. I hate that I love him. I hate that he hates me.

I think Baz notices my change in attitude. I know I’m not doing a very good job at hiding it. To my surprise, he starts to hold back, instead of pushing me further. He still gives me snide remarks and dirty looks daily (I don’t think he can help it), but we’re no longer arguing every second. We haven’t had a physical fight in over a week, which is a new record for us. He’s going easy on me and I don’t know why. 

Why would he care how I feel?

 

**Baz**

If Simon is trying to kill me, he’s succeeding.

I don’t know what happened a few weeks ago, but Simon started acting differently. He stares at me all the bloody time (whenever I’m not staring at him), but there’s something new in his gaze. I used to pride myself on being able to read him like a book, but now I’m at a loss. Besides that, he’s struggling with his magic even more often than usual. I can feel it crackling around him all through the night, filling our room until I feel like I’m going to drown in it. He went off a few days ago, something that usually only happens when he’s in a battle. I don’t know what caused it - there were no monsters in sight, unless you count me (which would be justified considering the fangs and blood sucking). 

And of course, our fights. It’s like he’s stopped trying. We used to lay into each other without reluctance. Even Simon with his bouts of stuttering used to insult me right back, glaring with all his might. Now he’ll continuously tell me to shut up or stop responding altogether until I leave him alone. Either that, or he leaves the room, not with his usual dramatic exits, but in a defeated slump, magic threatening to pour out of him.

I can’t help but worry about him. I don’t think this is about me - how could it possibly be? Maybe the increased Humdrum attacks have been stressing him out, maybe the Mage is putting too much pressure on him. Maybe he’s afraid of the coming war. As we’ve gotten older it’s become all too real. If he’s scared of my part in the prophecy, I wish I could tell him that he doesn’t have anything to worry about (I’m never going to kill him). But of course I can’t tell him that, so I decide to hold back on the constant fighting. It seems like Simon is breaking, and I never wanted to break him. I push him, I tease him, I wound him, but I never wanted to ruin him.

It was always his job to ruin me. 

 

After another week, I’m sincerely concerned for Simon’s wellbeing. Letting up on him hasn’t seemed to help, he still seems so  _ sad.  _ His nightmares are getting worse, too, he’s always breathing heavily and whimpering in his sleep. It breaks my heart a little more each night, until I finally decide to figure out what’s wrong.

Penelope Bunce is sitting on the Great Lawn, doing homework, soaking up the good weather while it lasts. Simon is nowhere in sight, so I sit down next to her. “What’s up with Snow?”

She looks up at me, raising an eyebrow. “Why does it matter to you?” Her voice is even, but I think I sense some malice in it.

“He’s my roommate, I’m the one that has to deal with it everyday.” I lie. The truth is that I’m scared. I’m worried out of my mind about him. Of course I can’t say that.

Bunce snaps at this. “ _ Crowley _ , Basilton, has it ever occurred to you to be sympathetic for once your life?” 

I want to snap right back, tell her I’m losing sleep because I know he’s in pain but I don’t know how to help him. Instead, I keep my mask on. I roll my eyes and ask, “Do  _ you  _ know what’s wrong with him?”

“Yes, he’s my best friend.” Simon’s glare never caused me to falter, I always thought it was endearing. But Bunce’s scowl is alarmingly powerful. “And just because you’re his roommate doesn’t give you the right to know - it’s personal.”

I know she thinks I’m the most insincere arsehole on the planet, and I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. “Look,” I inhale sharply. “I know you won’t believe me, but I’m worried about him. I want to help.”

Bunce shakes her head, turning her attention back to her homework. “If you actually care, which I doubt, you should ask him yourself.”

I can tell she’s done talking now, so I get up. “He won’t tell me.”

She shrugs. “I wonder why.”

 

I wish I could go back to the first day I met Simon and restart.

 

**Simon**

I’m in ruins. Even though Baz has stopped fighting with me (and I even think I catch a sympathetic look from him across the dining room), it hasn’t made me feel better. I still ache for him, and I know he still hates me even though he took pity and eased back on the fighting. On top of that, I’m failing most of my classes even with Penny’s help. I can feel the Mage’s increasing disappointment as I lose control of my magic and start going off even when nothing provokes it. He warns me about the oncoming war, about the relentless Humdrum attacks, and I want to say  _ I know! I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, can’t you see that? Do you hate me, too?  _ But instead instead say, “I understand, sir. I’ll try to be better.”

At the end of a particularly long day, I march into my room, wanting nothing more to lay down and sleep, but Baz seems to have other plans. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, and he straightens up when I walk in. I close the door, trying to remember how to breathe while Baz’s grey eyes are earnestly looking into mine. I’m shocked by the desperation in his expression.

After what feels like forever, Baz finally speaks up. “Snow? Can we talk?” 

“About what?” I keep my voice steady by some miracle.

“Can you just… sit down?” He’s lacking the confidence he usually has, which is really throwing me off.

“Um. Okay.” I take a seat on the edge of my bed, and we’re much too close for my liking, yet at the same time, too far apart. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to ask…” He pauses, biting his lip (Is he trying to torture me?). “I wanted to ask if you’re okay.”

My eyebrows lift in surprise. He’s looking at me like he actually cares and it’s fucking with my head. “What?”

“I mean, clearly you’re not…” Baz says quietly, almost like he’s talking to himself. “If something’s wrong I… I mean, you don’t have to tell me, I just-”

I stop him before he can say anything more. “Don’t.” 

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t act like you give a shit.” My voice comes out more weak than I mean it to. I can’t look him in the eyes.

He doesn’t give up, of course not. Instead, he moves to my bed and sits down next to me. “I know you won’t believe me, but-

“Baz,  _ don’t _ .” I’m frozen on the outside, but my insides are ignited with anxious magic, flowing through my veins hastily.

“Snow, I’m just trying to help.” I can feel his eyes bearing into me even though I’m not looking at him. 

I’m aching for him, my  _ magic  _ is aching for him, so I stand up and move away before I do something stupid. “Why would you ever want to help me?” My voice comes out harsher and louder than I mean for it to be.

Baz stands up too, crossing his arms. “Is it so unbelievable that I  _ care _ ?”

“Yes, actually.” We’re yelling, we’re fighting again, I don’t want to fight. I eye the door, considering making an escape.

“Just let me help you, Snow!” Baz comes closer, so I back away. His voice sounds more frustrated than pleading. His expression is set in a familiar frown.

**_“You hate me!_ ** ” I yell back, not bothering to try to suppress the magic that erupts out of me. It’s not a real spell, so nothing happens. “You hate me more than anyone else in the entire fucking world! Why would you ever want to help me?”

The next words that explode from Baz’s lips are so raw, so powerful, that I almost think there’s magic behind them. “Because I love you, Simon!”

I freeze. Even my magic stills.

Baz’s eyes widen, realizing what he just said. The words hang in the air, echoing in my head.

“...What?” 

“I don’t hate you.” Baz sounds defeated. “If anything, I hate myself for loving you.”

He pushes past me, reaching for the door. 

I can’t move, I feel rooted in place, but I call out, “Baz, wait!”

He turns around to face me, and there are tears in his eyes. “Please, Simon. Just let me go.”

_ He loves me. He fucking loves me.  _

I come to my senses and go to him, pressing my lips to his. 

“I love you too,” I sigh against his mouth, “I love you.”

Baz kisses me back, desperately, gently. It feels like magic.

After a few seconds he pulls away, but we stay tangled in each other’s arms, our foreheads pressed together. A tear runs down his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Simon.” 

“For what?”

His voice is a shaky whisper. “How could you love me after the way I’ve treated you? I’ve been nothing but horrible to you.”

“I didn’t treat you any better, Baz. I’m sorry too.” I pull him closer, holding him securely in my arms.  _ I love you I love you I love you.  _ I want to hold him forever, but I’m afraid he can’t breathe with how tightly I’m holding him. After a while I pull back and wipe his tears away. 

Realization comes over Baz’s face. “You didn’t tell me what’s wrong. I mean, of course, you don’t have to…”

I laugh. “It’s okay now, or it’s going to be.” I kiss him again, just because I can. 

“Okay,” Baz whispers against my forehead. “But what are we doing to do?”

“About what?”

“Everyone.” He says. “The Mage, my family… they’ll never approve of us.”

I’m not afraid of them. Not now, not here, in Baz’s arms. “Like hell I’ll let them stop me.”

Baz still looks worried. “Me too, Simon, but-” 

I cut him off with a kiss. “We’ll find a way, love. We’ll carry on.”

**Author's Note:**

> not really sure how i feel about this one lol i wish i had more time to work on it but i really wanted to get it up today!  
> comment your thoughts <3


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